MORE JOKES!!!

exaktlywhat

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you." The Scotsman said, "Keep the fookin' egg."

Deadpool

Old Old Old Joke......

First time I heard it was on the Lenny Henry show in 85 only that time it was a Jamaican and they were arguing over a girl in a sketch.

Ok heres one Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman, have just escaped from prison the police are after them and they have run into a warehouse with no way out.

Englishman see somes sacks on the floor and says "lets hide in them" minutes later the Police some charging and see an empty room with three sacks in it.

Policeman kicks the first one, Englishman goes "MIAOOWW" hmm sack full of cats says the Policeman and moves on.

Kicks the second one Scotsman goes "WOOF WOOF" hmm sack full of puppies says the Policeman and moves on.

Kicks the third one Irishman shouts "POTATOES!"

exaktlywhat

good one, heard it. try this on...

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conferencing. Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strailya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate." Bob, CEO of Budweiser calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all - gimme a Bud." Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer. Give me un Becks, ze real King of beers." Jan, Chief Executive of Grolsch follows by stating that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top. Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, give me a diet coke with ice and lemon. please". The other four stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?" Paddy replies "Well, if you pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I".

exaktlywhat

and another for my irish brethren...

Three guys... an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Englishman are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish" says the genie. The Scot says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Scotland." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in Scotland was forever made fertile for farming. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, so that no one can come into our precious country. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around England. The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Irishman says... "Fill it up with water."

Deadpool

Hmmm I'm getting a distinct anit English tone from these jokes, some people really can't let go of the past can they lol

Ok heres one, Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are out in the old west and get captured by Indians (Native Amercians for the PC brigade)

They are tied to stakes and the chief of the tribe comes out and says "you are about to be killed but your deaths won't be in vain your skins will be used to make our war canoes, and for this we will give you a final wish of anything you hearts desire"

Englishman asks for a Steak meal with all the trimmings he gets it and they kill him and skin him

Scotsman asks for a bottle of whiskey he drinks it and they kill him and skin him

Irishman asks for a fork

The chief looks puzzled but never the less they fetch him a fork the Irishman takes it and begins stabbing himself with it while shouting "YOUR NOT MAKING A FOOKIN CANOE OUT OF ME!"

exaktlywhat

that was soooo fookin funny!!!

exaktlywhat

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman enter a pub and each proceed to order a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their beverages they notice a fly has landed in each of their beers, and has gotten stuck in the creamy head. The Englishman pushes the glass away in disgust. The Scotsman fishes the offending insect out with his finger and continues drinking as if nothing has ever happened. The Irishman picks the fly out of his beer by the wings, holds it over the glass and yells, "Spit it out, ya bastard!!!"

i know thats an old one but i love it!

Deadpool

Ok heres another.

Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman working on a high rise building.

Englishman opens his lunch box and says "Blimey I've got cucumber sandwichs again thats everday this week I swear if I have them again tomorrow I'm thowing myself off the building"


Scotsman opens his and says " Och I've got haggis sandwichs again if I have em tomorrow I'm joining ye"

Irishman opens his and says "I've got cheese sandwichs again if I have em tommorrow I'm joining you to"

next day arrives Englishman opens his lunchbox sighs and throws himself to his death.

Scotsman opens his shakes his head and falls to his doom.

Irishman opens his shouts ahh feck it and hurls himself off the building.

At there funeral the Englishmans wife says "if I only I had given him ham he would still be alive"

Scotsman wife says "I know If I had just given him a wee piece of beef he would still be with me"

Irsihmans wife says "I dont get it? he always made his own sandwichs!"