Thought come back from the dead and post what i have on another site:
So... i gave up bodybuilding. I never thought i'd do it, but i put to bed a hobby, a good friend that was always there for me and an obsession.
i used to say obsession is just what lazy people call dedication - but for me it was a double edged sword -
on the one hand bodybuilding gave me the confidence to relieve anxiety i'd felt for a long time, to be happy in what you look like and to be strong, without weakness in my knees like i'd had for many years, and to finally feel at least not entirely sickened by myself...
on the other, it fed a body dysmorphic state of mind that eventually led me to go far too far in the obsession - i was eating 8 times a day without the possibility of eating 'off plan', was taking all sorts of supplements and powders, was totally obsessed with minor imperfections in myself and the lifts I was getting.
I achieved some good things... i went from 13.5 stone chubby to 11.5 stone lean, then back up to 16 stone and muscled up. In that time saw some crazy changes in my lifestyle, my attitude... but deep down was still unhappy.
i never thought i would stop doing it and always feared that there was no way out. i was always chasing a slight high from the training that never was enough and knew that without resorting to some serious drug use was i going to be able to sustain and build any more than i had done so far.
so this post really is to say - i loved bodybuilding, but be careful when an obsession becomes your life... i still think its one of the sports in the world that requires total dedication both mentally and physically, but for me fed a covered-up veneer to depression that i've only really been able to start dealing with by stopping.
i got some record lifts - 162.5kg bench press, 222.5kg deadlift, and some impressive pictures.
i haven't trained properly for 8 months now. I can bench press about 125/130 now, and deadlift, i don't know.
The problem with stopping is that now my knee has returned to a worse state even than it had been at school, i'm walking with a limp, and i need 2 serious operations in the coming 2 years. Not only did bodybuilding cover up mentally some issues but obviously masked the serious decline my knee joint had suffered throughout it.
Now i train once or twice a week, but i don't eat right. i'm losing my shape. i look back on the photos and i am so proud of what i achieved, yet realise for my sanity i made the right move to tone things down, the road i was on was not a pretty one.
thanks for reading
